How Happy Is Your Marriage

Life Inc.: Career or marriage? You don't have to choose

Social psychologists studied 169 newlywed couples over the course of four years and measured their workload, work satisfaction and marital satisfaction.

For couples who didn't have children, the results were fairly predictable. When husbands had a higher workload, they were happier in their marriage, and so were their wives.

"A husband's hard work is part of being a good husband," said Benjamin Karney, one of the study's researchers and a professor of social psychology at UCLA.

Wives are happy when husbands are hardworking because this is consistent with "the husband role," he said. The couples were even more satisfied with their marriage when husbands were happy at their jobs.

But when couples became parents, the roles changed and so did the levels of marriage satisfaction.

When husbands became fathers and had a higher workload, their wives were less happy. Now that husbands are being asked to fulfill an extra role, work does interfere, Karney said. Work gives you an excuse not to be a dad, while the wives are left at home to take care of everything, he added.

"It's much more difficult to balance the roles of husband, father and employee," he said.

Another finding that came as a surprise was when the mothers' workload did affect the marriage, it added to a couple's marital satisfaction.

"We know that when moms are working hard, husbands have to step up and do more around the house," Karney said. "So we're thinking, when wives are working really hard, they're happier because husbands are contributing more to housework. Also it might be healing for moms to get away and have space from their kids."

The big takeaway is this: If your work is consistent with your gender role and you like the work you're doing, then there's no reason your career has to take away from your marriage, Karney said.

The advice Karney would give to couples is be aware of all the different roles you're trying to meet.

"And maybe cut each other a little slack when you're having difficulty," he said.

Top Tips For a Happy Marriage – Help For Marriages – Relationship ...

Tip number one is to pick your battles.  As with children, you can’t have your way all the time with your husband.  If an issue is small, you’re much better off letting it go than nagging and creating resentment.  So he leaves his socks on the floor – nobody’s going to be harmed by that.  Save your battles for the things that really matter to you in your marriage.

Tip number two is not to try to change your mate.  He or she was probably great when you met them – just because there are differences between the two of you does not mean he or she is obligated to change.  If your husband wants to watch sports, then let him.  His happiness and ability to be independent will only help your marriage.

Tip number three is to develop your own hobbies so you don’t get mad when your husband wants to do something that you hate (like playing golf, watching sports, cutting wood).  If you find a hobby you truly love, you’ll be happy when he decides to take part in one of his activities.  Scrapbooking,  photography, freelance writing, surfing the net, shopping with friends, playing tennis, etc.  Developing your interests can save marriage.

Tip number four is to have some subjects be off limits if they cause a fight all the time.  My husband will not fight about money – its something he decided as a child and its great because I don’t want to fight about that either.  We have added household chores to the list as well – too many arguments broke out over who does what in the house so we don’t get into that anymore.  We both just do what we can around the house and live with it.

Tip number five is to be best friends.  Support and love your mate.  Do some things together – take a walk or go out to dinner.  Go for a drive and talk about when you were first dating.  Hang pictures from your wedding around the house to remind you of your bond and why you entered into marriage with this person.

Marriage is hard, but if you make a conscious choice to not sweat the little things, it can be infinitely better than you ever imagined.  If you’re already having problems, look into marriage counselors.  Even if you don’t like the idea of marriage counseling, they often can assist in getting things back on track.

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